A must for all those "aggressive atheists"! Thanks to Ship of Fools for pointing me in the right direction. It's not just Sir Alex Ferguson who gives out the hair-dryer treatment, it seems!
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Thursday, 18 November 2010
Thursday, 29 July 2010
Friday, 30 April 2010
Voting in the Ways of Dog
From our Parish Magazine this month, I have no hesitation in recommending you read the following snippet from our "Gossip Column". To compare dogs you know with political parties, or individuals can be fun. In the parish we have five main players. This is how they fared...
WIN A SEAT - USE A DOG!
As a follower of ‘Over the Rainbow’s’ quest for a new Toto it occurred to me that the political parties were missing a terrific opportunity to accumulate votes. A caninedidate would help their candidate greatly in conveying the desirable qualities of honesty, loyalty and friendliness. Just look at how well St.Auggie’s doggies would fit the bill!
The Tory candidate could be photographed with Toastie a fully pedigreed member of the Kennel Club with royal associations. Yes, the Toastie Manifesto would be read in homes throughout the land.
The Labour Party would certainly prefer Nina, the Jack Russell. Not accepted by those snobby Crufts creatures, Nina is a basic dog given to much yelling and yapping for fairness and sharing as long as her share is bigger than anyone else’s and she gets it first!
Archie, the Golden Retriever, would surely find his home with the Greens. A friend of the earth who proves it by continually rolling in its muddier sections and removing any offending picnics from the grass.
Peanut, on the other hand doesn’t care about being a doggy aristocrat and would be an ideal soul mate for Nick Clegg with her attractive and pleasing personality combined with all the charisma of a right wee chancer.
Now the SNP is looking for a champion and our attractive West Highland terrier, Keira, is just the dog for the job. Keira can start a fight with bigger dogs then run off and say it’s not her fault!
So, forget kissing those babies and cuddle a canine. Every St. Auggie’s Doggie comes with its own WDC supply of Bio(Pooh)Bags with instructions for usage in seven different languages. Gaelic is not yet available but Alex is working on it. Get ahead - get a vote - get a hound!
WIN A SEAT - USE A DOG!
As a follower of ‘Over the Rainbow’s’ quest for a new Toto it occurred to me that the political parties were missing a terrific opportunity to accumulate votes. A caninedidate would help their candidate greatly in conveying the desirable qualities of honesty, loyalty and friendliness. Just look at how well St.Auggie’s doggies would fit the bill!
The Tory candidate could be photographed with Toastie a fully pedigreed member of the Kennel Club with royal associations. Yes, the Toastie Manifesto would be read in homes throughout the land.
The Labour Party would certainly prefer Nina, the Jack Russell. Not accepted by those snobby Crufts creatures, Nina is a basic dog given to much yelling and yapping for fairness and sharing as long as her share is bigger than anyone else’s and she gets it first!
Archie, the Golden Retriever, would surely find his home with the Greens. A friend of the earth who proves it by continually rolling in its muddier sections and removing any offending picnics from the grass.
Peanut, on the other hand doesn’t care about being a doggy aristocrat and would be an ideal soul mate for Nick Clegg with her attractive and pleasing personality combined with all the charisma of a right wee chancer.
Now the SNP is looking for a champion and our attractive West Highland terrier, Keira, is just the dog for the job. Keira can start a fight with bigger dogs then run off and say it’s not her fault!
So, forget kissing those babies and cuddle a canine. Every St. Auggie’s Doggie comes with its own WDC supply of Bio(Pooh)Bags with instructions for usage in seven different languages. Gaelic is not yet available but Alex is working on it. Get ahead - get a vote - get a hound!
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
Monday, 19 April 2010
Image is All Important
According to Big Rab Gordon Brown still has a chance in the forthcoming debates if he changes his image. Under the heading "Britain's Got Talent" the new Gordon Brown/Boyle may yet triumph!
Wednesday, 14 April 2010
Reverend Barbie
It has come to my attention that Barbie has been ordained and may be coming to a parish near you soon! She certainly has some lovely gear for the modern priest.
However, I'm grateful to blaghag.com for giving us an interesting alternative. Unfortunately, not too many good looking young women or men for that matter are offering themselves for ordination these days. Perhaps Oor Barbie can lead the way! The alternative, which I take no responsibility for, is posted by blaghag......
Monday, 29 March 2010
Friday, 12 March 2010
Tuesday, 9 March 2010
Tuesday, 23 February 2010
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
Tuesday, 16 February 2010
Tom Morton Stories
Like Big Rab, I often find myself listening in to Tom Morton on Radio Scotland when I'm in the car on weekday afternoons. There can be some seriously funny bits interspersed by music I really like. I missed yesterday, though, tied to the chair of a pub in Glasgow eating a long lunch with fellow clergy. I'm indebted to Rab for the update....
"Tom Morton always does a great show on Radio Scotland in the afternoon. In between the music he’ll introduce a theme or three for discussion amongst listeners. With today’s communication mediums including text, email, Facebook etc. Tom is never short of listeners’ contributions.
"Tom Morton always does a great show on Radio Scotland in the afternoon. In between the music he’ll introduce a theme or three for discussion amongst listeners. With today’s communication mediums including text, email, Facebook etc. Tom is never short of listeners’ contributions.
One of the subjects yesterday was labelling of parcels and I noticed the following contribution from former Lennox Herald editor Bill Heaney on Tom’s Facebook which I thought was brilliant. He reminisces about some of the strange things that used to be taken as parcels on the trains:
“I remember once a great stushie that was caused when someone sent a greyhound to a man in Balloch. The dog had a label round its neck, of course, giving the name of the person to whom it was being delivered. It was in the days of the old steam trains and all the parcels were kept in the guard’s van. As you will remember, the guard had to jump out at each station, see the passengers on and then wave the train off when everyone was safely aboard. The Glasgow to Balloch train stopped at Renton, the guard got out and the greyhound spotted the opportunity and nipped out at his back and then sped off down the platform. The story goes that it was pursued by the guard, who was shouting: “Stop that dug, it’s a parcel!”
“I remember once a great stushie that was caused when someone sent a greyhound to a man in Balloch. The dog had a label round its neck, of course, giving the name of the person to whom it was being delivered. It was in the days of the old steam trains and all the parcels were kept in the guard’s van. As you will remember, the guard had to jump out at each station, see the passengers on and then wave the train off when everyone was safely aboard. The Glasgow to Balloch train stopped at Renton, the guard got out and the greyhound spotted the opportunity and nipped out at his back and then sped off down the platform. The story goes that it was pursued by the guard, who was shouting: “Stop that dug, it’s a parcel!”
Wednesday, 10 February 2010
Sunday, 7 February 2010
Thursday, 4 February 2010
Saturday, 30 January 2010
Don't Blame Me - Blame MadPriest (2)
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking!!"
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once!!?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking!!"
iPreach
Apple's new device for clergy: The iPreach! (Thanks Susan!)
The iPreach......for the priest who needs just one more thing! Features include:
* 16-point font for easy reading
* Stores your sermons for up to 50 years
* app for Bible readings of the day
* app for Biblical commentary on said readings
* app for poems that sound like they could have been Biblical commentary
* app for dog whistle-like tone to wake up sleeping congregations
* app for soothing music to counter dog whistle to keep babies pacified
* app for canned laughter at joke you *know* is funny
* app for disrupting cell phone signals so they don't ring during the service
* one touch button that writes the whole thing for you, keeps attention, and removes distractions
My credit card is in my hand as I write!
The iPreach......for the priest who needs just one more thing! Features include:
* 16-point font for easy reading
* Stores your sermons for up to 50 years
* app for Bible readings of the day
* app for Biblical commentary on said readings
* app for poems that sound like they could have been Biblical commentary
* app for dog whistle-like tone to wake up sleeping congregations
* app for soothing music to counter dog whistle to keep babies pacified
* app for canned laughter at joke you *know* is funny
* app for disrupting cell phone signals so they don't ring during the service
* one touch button that writes the whole thing for you, keeps attention, and removes distractions
My credit card is in my hand as I write!
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
Nicked from MadPriest - who Nicked it from Elsewhere!
“A dog in church — I know it doesn’t sound right and doesn’t seem right,” Buhr said. “But this dog is a gift from God.”
When Buhr came to the church, he asked the parishioners if it would be all right if Elijah attended Mass. He said he didn’t want anyone’s prayers to be disturbed. So far, he said, no one has complained.
Buhr’s last assignment was at a country parish where Elijah was allowed to roam the fields and woods. The dog has made a smooth transition to the inner city. He is the terror of squirrels and other animals that trespass on the parish grounds. Inside the church, however, Elijah is as gentle as a lamb. During Mass, he tends to quietly meander. He may stroll onto the altar to sit beside Buhr or server Brittany Pfaffenback, 16. Elijah occasionally wanders down the aisle and sticks his nose into the pews, seeking affection. In the summer, he prefers lounging on the cool terrazzo tiles of the high altar. On a recent cold Sunday, he favored a spot beside a radiator to the side of the altar. When the crowd lined up to receive Communion, he took up his regular post in front of the first pew on the left. From there, he watched as Buhr distributed the Holy Eucharist.
“He loves that little space and plants himself there every Communion,” said a parish deacon, Gerry Quinn, 63, of Affton. “We do worry sometimes that someone will trip over him, but we’ve all adjusted fine.”
At the end of Mass, Elijah trotted ahead of the servers, deacons and priest as they filed down the main aisle.
At Our Lady of the Holy Cross, the congregation has embraced Elijah, said a longtime member, Charlotte Flowers.
“We have a true church dog,” said Flowers, 68. “He’s a joy and so well-behaved. The children especially love him. And he never barks in church.”
Well done, the people of Our Lady of the Holy Cross for realising that Elijah is a blessing and not an inconvenience. I would not be surprised if their congregation grows because of this gentle (except when it comes to critters) dog of God.
Thursday, 21 January 2010
Thanks to Simon....
for this gem.....
Notice at Zoo: "4 people a year die from sharks, 271 die from toasters."
Notice at Zoo: "4 people a year die from sharks, 271 die from toasters."
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