Four Generations

A visit to see dad in the Care Home with baby Hailey was a unique opportunity for one of those photographs that will always be precious in any family album. Great-grandfather down to Great-granddaughter! (With Graham and me in the middle!)

Dad has not been good of late as his dementia worsens, and even had another wee spell in hospital last week after a fall. What I wouldn't do to have him back again as my dad as I knew him, but yesterday there were glimpses of understanding that this wee girl was part of him, and the comment that my mum would have been so proud was indeed music to my ears. He was in the here and now with some memories of the past. That's not often so these days!

Hailey just slept through it all, as she managed to do during most of yesterday's church service! Not much perturbs the new little star!

Benefits

We are in the midst of great debates about benefits and who should receive them and how much they should reasonably receive. The politicians rant and rave and give us examples. There are people living in multi-million pound houses paid for the State in London, and getting £30k per year. Oh yeah? They don't live in Glasgow or the West of Scotland pal. Not at these prices.

I'll tell you about families who are suffering. I will show you examples.

Here the State is cutting benefits to the poorest folk in my parish. Come and have a walk around. There is an underclass. A section of society where there is no hope. As a church we try to reach out to them, but it is useless, and they are in a cycle of despair. Cut their benefit because we are all in this together. The words are hollow.

Oh yes. The fact is that amongst the poorest, the poor will point the finger at those who haven't 'tried so hard'. The poor will finger the poorest and say that they are loafers! But all these decent people have done is to fall into the trap which says that poverty sharing is acceptable. We have become brainwashed into the acceptability of poverty sharing, and the troops fight each other in the trenches.

The establishment wants this. While the poor fight each other the rich can carry on getting richer! (Now that makes me sound like the radical socialist that you want to dismiss, but there is truth in this.)

However, dismiss this truth at your peril, because there may be trouble ahead.

There is another way. A way where we create jobs in the building and other sectors and pay folk a decent wage for a decent days work. We stop offering crap wages and give people the amount they are due. Invest in roads and housing and infrastructure, and look at ways to stop the poverty sharing which is endemic in our nation.

I will show you countless people in my parish who depend on benefits. The vast majority of them wish this were not so. They want a job. They want to be well enough to work. They will not work for two pounds per hour or be forced into employment which diminishes them as human beings.

But this is the way of it, isn't it?

Get the troops fighting in the trenches and it takes away from the real debate about who is making the money, and where it's going!

But who will listen to me? I'm not a politician, a banker, or whatever.

I am extremely lucky. I get a stipend of £22k and a house. I will be homeless in 8 years. Who will care for me then?

Does it matter? I want someone to care for me. I'd prefer an independent Scottish Government!

Thirty Years On...

It doesn't seem like it, but it was thirty years ago today that I held my newborn son in Rottenrow. I remember the intense feeling of joy, and the day we brought the carry-cot home and laid it in front of the fire in the Rectory of St Matthew's Possilpark.

Poor guy didn't have an easy childhood. Apart from being moved from parish to parish through his childhood, he had to deal with my addiction issues during his growing-up, and being the minister's son in the East End of Glasgow was never the easiest option!

However, he survived it all in spite of me, and last week he held his own firstborn in his arms. All sorts of emotions were flying through my gut as I took the photo here.

Just a few days earlier, Graham, for that is his name, had been made redundant by Harte, a big building firm in Lanarkshire. 700 jobs were lost that day as the firm folded. I thought disaster, but my resilient son just got busy, and has already gotten himself a new job with higher wages and a new Vauxhall Insignia to boot.

I'm proud of him today. 30 years old, and things are looking good! What a lucky man I am.

Happy Birthday, Graham!

Local Talent!

Some years ago, a group of spotty young teenagers asked if they could use St Augustine's for band practice. No problem! Decent teenagers from Dumbarton Academy with lots of talent. They called themselves "Mellifluous", and within the next years they were playing gigs in St Aug's with 'hunners' of local teenagers coming to hear them play.

Now, young Craig White has gone solo and has released an EP, but his first Music Video had to be filmed, where else, in St Augustine's Dumbarton. Made up Stories is a decent song, and some of you will be well acquainted with the surroundings! Good luck, Craig, in your career ahead and don't forget us when you become a millionaire!

The First Visit...

Hello Pappa!

The RW shows her expertise!

Safe in my arms..

Testing the right foot for potential!

Graham, proud dad!

Angela and Graham lookin' smug!

Thank you, Angela, for a beautiful grand-daughter!

We are a Pappa!

Well, here she is at last! Hailey Myra Caroline Macaulay, 8lbs 9oz, born at 11.58pm last night. To say I'm overjoyed, over-the-moon, etc etc would be an injustice to how I'm feeling! It's almost as if I've given birth myself, I'm so chuffed.

It has not been an easy pregnancy, and poor Angela had a rough time of it, but all is well as another Partick Thistle Nil fan is born.

I know everyone thinks that their own child/grandchild is the best looking baby ever, so I curb my response to the Glaswegian, 'She's no' bad eh?'

It is a tradition in the Macaulay clan that the father's father is called "Pappa". Much prefer this to "Grand-dad"! However, no doubt she'll find her own name for me eventually. I only hope it sounds favourable!

Off to festoon her with gifts this afternoon! Parish work can wait!

Big Step

Of course we are all delighted in St Augustine's to be the first parish in the Diocese to complete its Mission Action Plan. The solemn signing took place on Sunday at the 11am. We now have goals to meet in the next 12 months. Achievable, yes, but a bit of work lies ahead of us!

My thanks to the Vestry, and the wee core group who worked with Revd Anne Tomlinson, who all made our speedy response a simple and enjoyable one!

Our Year

Now in circulation. Our Parish Year (click to make big). On Sunday we are due to sign our Mission Action Plan for the Diocese, and we need to continue to grow. However, I look at what's been achieved already and I'm grateful to be leading a congregation that is so outward looking and has great plans for the future mission and ministry.

I am lucky to have such a great group of people who are willing to take chances and who have a tremendous commitment to "outsiders" and "insiders" alike.

I count my blessings today!

Choral Scholar

I guess it all started on Advent 4 when one of my "older lassies" commented after the 9am 1662 Prayer Book Service that she had missed the Gloria during Advent. Not only that, but she sung the Gloria in her heart to the music of her childhood when we came to it in the Liturgy on a Sunday.

On Christmas Day I decided to give her a Christmas present, and after communion I sang the Gloria, solo, and to the astonishment of all. Her comment afterwards was, "Wonderful! But it's not the tune I sing to!"

Then, into the New Year, and she has presented me with this!

"Choral Scholar of 2011", made with her own frail hands.

It's enough to make you weep. Such a simple gesture meant so much to an old lady. Her response means so much to me.

When Liturgy arguments roll on about it being inclusive and the necessity of it all being relevant to the incomer, and politically correct, it's maybe OK to remember those folk in our congregations who find security and heartwarming affirmation of their faith in a Liturgy which brings them closer to God in their latter years, and strengthens their dedication to a Church which nurtured them and gave them something which is eternal.

Not a Good 24 Hours

Family-wise things could be a bit better in the Rectory at the mo! Son Graham was sent home from work today, having been told his Firm is going into receivership. That in the week his first child is due. Although not totally unexpected, it is still a bitter blow, and there are not a lot of jobs around in the Building Trade at present. Anyone need a good QS?

Dad is not good either at the moment, and his dementia is deteriorating. The Care Home staff are terrific, but he is increasingly in need of special attention now, and I fear he's coming to a point where they wil no longer be able to deal with him. What happens after that makes me shudder a little, so Auld Jack is maybe in need of some prayers just now!

On a brighter note, Isla, the RW's grand-daughter is flourishing and rather beautiful, and by next week I should be a proud grand-daddy myself! Now there's a new job from Graham, right away!

Mapping

And a decree had been sent out by the Diocese that each parish should have a MAP, or a Mission Action Plan to you! And so it came to pass that after much beavering, the Parish of St Augustine's Dumbarton has produced such a plan and is ready to sign it on Sunday before all the congregation, to whom the plan actually belongs!

It's been a long slog, the culmination of two years hard work, with a lot of navel gazing, a lot of affirmation of current ministries, and lots of hopes and dreams for the future. It ensures that we don't stand still, or rest on our laurels, but continue to grow in our witness, ministry and mission.

It can all seem to be a daunting task. The Diocese is asking much, especially of wee parishes who have been struggling to do their best with few resources for years, but the exercise, if done properly should be a positive one which commends, affirms and supports the little parishes who struggle on struggling on!

We have now set goals for the coming year. As long as we are really all in this together, as I said on Sunday, it should be an interesting twelve months in Dumbarton!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all! Wishing you every blessing in 2012!

It bodes well for me that by mid-January I should be a grandfather, and I can't quite see past that at the moment, however my local Morrison's store are well ahead of the game!

The picture on the right is from one of the aisles in their store in Dumbarton yesterday. They seem to have managed to get the whole story of salvation into one bit, with the Easter Eggs underneath the holly wreath! Good for them!

I'm always saying you can't separate the Nativity of Our Lord from his Cross and Resurrection. Part of the one package! Well done Morrisons for spotting this!

Wonderful Christmas

Having just finished my last Home Communion after Christmas, it's a minute to post my favourite pic of the season! It's the RW finally cracking under the strain with the electric carving knife which, thankfully, she'd forgotten to plug in at the time!

It has been a good Christmas, with a wonderful Midnight celebration, lots of goodies, and the world would be even better had Archie not taken a likening to Belgian chocolates, ham wrapped in tinfoil, and my slippers!

Oh! Santa brought an iPad too, so I'm now on a learning curve! Watch out!

Angel in the Darkness

Well, it's like never that I post a picture of my Christmas tree!

I fling it together every year, and sometimes it looks better than others. However, this year I wanted to share a wee bit which you can't really see too well from the photo!

At the front, near the bottom/middle is a wee straw angel. Somehow the lights have managed to bypass her, and there is a little hole of darkness with only the angel there, shining as brightly as anything else, even the over-sized angel on top!

I meditated long and hard last night on the angel in the darkness. For many, this Christmas will be a time of great darkness, but in the midst of it the angel still says, "Fear Not!"

Pressures Receeding

Now that Advent 4 is past, the Christmas Cards written and posted, the RW's car fixed and collected from the garage, and several deadlines met that had to be met, it might be a space today to actually put up the Christmas tree!

I suspect Rectory families don't have it too easy in the run up to Christmas. Friends and other families have their stuff up by December 1st and their houses look like Santa's Grotto from Advent 1. However, the "grumpy cleric" insists it's still only Advent and everything is put on hold until the last days of Advent and some of the pressures are off. I know many clerics who will not have a bauble in the house until it's almost Christmas Eve! (I'm afraid I'm a bit like that myself, loathing Christmas Carols until after Advent 4!!)

I may even go Christmas shopping soon! Hums.. "The Angel Gabriel..."

The Christmas Party

St Augustine's Community Christmas Party and Candlelit Carol Service didn't disappoint again this year, although one of Santa's little helpers had problems getting into his gear!

Each year we bring everyone together, hall users, various weans, big and small, and start off with a big party at the back of the church. That tends to be pandemonium, but there's always Santa to look forward to! He was as magnificent as ever in 2011, with a new outfit, (XXXXXXL Size) from a posh shop in Helensburgh!

Santa's little helper gets his stuff from Slater's! There are lots of pics of the children and other exciting bits which will go up on the Parish Site as soon as I've written my Christmas Cards, but here is a pic of the Dynamic Duo,,,
and one of the Service. We had well over 100 folk who came and went during the four hours!

Dumbarton Nativity (Repost)

Mum

Yes, I miss my mother. She's been dead twelve years now, but she is still very much with me, and she still "speaks" to me through the days and the weeks. I guess that "confession" is brought on by two things. Firstly by a fellow blogger who has just lost her mum, and my heartfelt sympathy goes out to her,  and something else which happened this week to me which my mother would have strong opinions about. She's been whispering in my ear since Monday!

Isn't it strange that even as we grow older, the voice of our mothers is still strong in our lives? We remember sayings, phrases, funny events, and more and more I find myself saying, "As my mother would have said....."

I have been blessed this week with opportunities for silence and reflection. Many voices have spoken in the silence, and I hope God was among them, but the strongest voice has been my mother's! Beyond the grave with comfort, challenge, and a wee reprimand!

As I think of those who have lost loved ones recently, my heart goes out to them at this first Christmas without them. However, we are not without them. The line between the living and the departed is very thin within the Communion of Saints, and our loved ones are not far from us. We need to remember this. We can cry at our loss, but the loss is merely physical.

She was not perfect, but my mum gave me her faith. For that I will be eternally grateful. We all have reasons to be grateful for those we love but see no longer. Maybe we can count them and smile during the "jolly" time which is looming. They are celebrating the birth of the Christ too.

It's Hard When you are Little!

Young Neve manages to light the Gaudete Candle on Sunday, with a little help from a friend!

Only one more to go, then Santa is coming!

Oh! And the Baby Jesus too!

Come and bring your weans to the Parish Christmas Party on Sunday, in church, at 4pm.

Visitors..

Here are some members of the Scottish Tour Guides Association who visited Dumbarton on a study day at the beginning of December.  Few knew much about the town, having mostly whizzed past in tour buses.

The exception is the lady in the green jacket - Margaret  nee Goldie, daughter of Fred Goldie, who was once Rector of the parish and who went on to be Bishop of Glasgow and Galloway. Margaret  sends her regards to anyone who remembers her.  The family left Dumbarton to go to St Margaret's Newlands..

Archie's Dream!

Zzzzzzzzzzzz

A 6am start this morning to take the RW to the airport. She's off to Welsh Wales to see her new grandchild Isla for a few days, laden down with gifts, not only from us, but from members of St Aug's too. So, a few days for myself, and peace perfect peace in The Rectory. The dogs and cats are a handful, but I can at least rule the roost until Friday.

Oh! Cards will be printed and posted, and a lot of admin including dastardly Parish Returns might also be done.

However, grandchildren, or the thought of them, bring a smile to my face. Graham, my son, and his beautiful partner Angela, are about to present me with my own first grandchild on or around January 13th, and I'm beginning to realise that this is no longer in the distant future. So Santa could well be bringing me a cardigan, pipe and some comfy slippers so I can at least look the part!

It's certainly making me think of generations just now. My dad is suffering badly from dementia just now, and visits are a heartbreak. His care home is fantastic, but he's not the most popular chocolate in the box when he head-butts staff in his anger and frustration. The old Glasgow Kiss is something he remembers OK, and that's upsetting for all.

If the cigarettes don't kill me first, I often wonder how things would be if it was me in a care home. I pretend that it would be fine and I would cope, but I know I wouldn't, and I'd feel as sad and abandoned as my dad feels just now. That engenders feelings of guilt, but I know we couldn't even begin to give him the care he needs. Frank Downie House staff in Dalmuir are just fantastic and they give him the best life possible.

Recently I have been dreaming of my deceased mum, and I remember how close they both were, a real loving partnership. I pray often that dad would just have a massive stroke, or something, pass away quietly and be with her again. I don't know if that's a good prayer or not, a selfish or a self-less prayer, but I know that his funeral, when it comes, will be one of gratitude that my Old Man will have been released from the pain  he's so obviously in at the moment.

Another generation is about to be born, and I guess that's just the way of things.

And will this new child visit me in my care home? Naw! He'll be too busy playing for Partick Thistle Nil!

Disappointed!

This is one of my lads from The Gambia. Another in the background with an old Dumbarton top.

He's going to be disappointed today!

However, I'm delighted that Partick Thistle Nil put away another three points today, at Cappielow, no less!

C'mon the Harry Wraggs! We can still win this league!

Borrowed from Big Rab - Hurricane Bawbag is Tamed!

This is from the STV website

It continues:

Mosaic

The mosaic used as an altar frontal on Wednesday was made by the Women's Group attached to Alternatives in Dumbarton, entitled "New Beginnings".  (Click to make big) It took them six months to make this, and I covet it immensely! I'm borrowing it back for Easter Day at least! Brilliant and beautiful piece of work!

Light up the Fire!

The Service of Remembrance for those who have died as a result of addiction went well on Wednesday night. When you compile liturgies from scratch, you worry about how they will work out in practice, but this one flowed well, and the feedback has far surpassed my expectations.

The church was fairly full, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends and caseworkers of young people who had died as a result of drug misuse, others with names of people who had died as a result of alcoholism.

We were all given the chance to name someone we had lost and light a candle in their memory. There was a lot of healing and some closure going on. The liturgy flowed well, and ended by remembering those still suffering on the streets and at home, with a great feeling and message of hope for all.

Afterwards we had coffee, tea and eats in the hall, where we were joined by a large gang of NA folk in recovery. That certainly gladdened the heart!

Hopefully, this will only be the first one of these services, and it will become an annual event in out town. We had 18 drug related deaths in West Dunbartonshire this year. Unfortunately that number will be added to as the weeks and months and years progress.

A Book of Remembrance has been started, and it will be housed in St Augustine's. We will remember them.

Nothing can be done without drama, however, at St Aug's, and after everyone was safely in the Community Hall blethering, the candles on the table at the front of the altar exploded into a huge flame. A large dollop of baptismal water was used to "pit it oot"!

Worth doing? Certainly!

Dumbarton's Cup

Some years ago I started sponsoring and supporting a large group of lads in Brufut, in The Gambia. They had a large number of lads who were daft on football, but they had no kit, no jerseys, shorts, socks, boots. No nothing, except incredible skills.

Shortly afterwards, I approached Dumbarton Football Club, and they generously donated some old kit which was shipped out for my boys.

They changed their name to Dumbarton FC, and proudly wore the yellow and black, with a white jersey with blue trimmings as a second kit when colours clashed. The lads have done well ever since. I've watched them mature and grow, and rise in the Gambian leagues. They are now in a position where they are overseen by the Gambian Football Association, and must have certified officials to referee and run the line on their games.

They became, and still are Dumbarton daft. They look up their results when possible, and they even had special T-shirts printed with the Dumbarton crest on them. You can catch a glimpse behind the cup in the photo.

Yes! A trophy! This year they won the Gambian Combos Cup, and there was much celebration, as you can imagine. You can imagine too that the Dumbarton Kit is well worn and done.

Maybe Dumbarton FC will donate some more? Certainly, a Dumbarton FC in The Gambia, or anywhere else in the world, winning trophies is good news! We just need them to get into the yellow and black again. They are having to hire kit at the moment, and these guys really live in poverty. They charge 10 Dalasi, about 20p to watch their matches, and that just about covers referee fees and their membership of the GFA. Anything else they have to pay for out of their own meagre profits!

Any donations to help support this team are gratefully received!

Remembering

Tonight, for the first time ever, the people of West Dunbartonshire have an opportunity to remember those who have died as a result of addiction in a formal church setting. St Augustine's is hosting a Candle-lit Service, devised by yours truly, and hopefully it will hit the spot. This year alone we have had 18 deaths through drug addiction, and God only knows the number through alcoholism and its effects.

We're pulling out all the stops with millions of candles, some Taize music, and a chance for folk to remember, light a candle, or share their story. Trying to organise things like this are a nightmare sometimes, dealing with great folk whose lives are a bit chaotic anyway, or those whose lives are chaotic because they are caring for or working with the chaotic. For those who know me, they will realise that I'm totally at home with that! Chaos and I are really good friends!

I'm trying, desperately, to stay in professional mode, but I can't remember the last time I was so nervous about something. It's maybe because it's the first time around, or maybe because I know it's got to be just "right" for those who are in varying stages of grief. People will come, or will they? People will be upset, people will come with expectations, looking for closure, looking for comfort. Can we do all that? Can we pull it all together on the night?

I'm trying to pray and keep calm but I can't because I know how much this will mean to some folk. I'm giving it all to God, then I'm taking it back again, and the stomach is churning! So say a wee prayer for us tonight!

Advent Hope

Feeling Like a Priest Again.

As I sit down tonight, after the busiest day, it's with feelings of satisfaction. Not just that I managed to tick off a few more "must do" things in the list in my head, but that in the past 24 hours I have been really there for people who have needed me to be there for them. Often, in my busy-ness I forget that this is what it's all about.

Open Doors ministry is great in theory, but when I'm in the middle of a thousand things, and someone says, "Rector, there's a guy in church bawling his eyes out and he's not even drunk or on drugs", the human, frail reaction is, "Well gie him a hankie and tell him to say a prayer!" (Honestly, I never actually say that!) I might feel it, and in the middle of admin and planning, and magazines and sermons and all the rest, that's very human, I think, but I get a much bigger buzz in shutting my office door and facing what ever needs to be faced.

Two enormous problems today, talked over with guys who are really lost and in the wilderness, together with an emotionally heartbreaking pastoral problem last night, and Kenny is feeling like a priest again. It's a funny thing to say, that. "Feeling like a priest again", but so much in modern ministry can weigh us down and take us, or tempt us away from the things we were ordained for.

And despite the fact that I was "hauled" away from the admin, you know, it got done anyway!!!! It may be 9.50pm, but it got done!

The Weekend After

Usually it takes me a few days before my head catches up with my body after a trip to The Gambia. For several days my head hangs over the Sahara, and eventually body and soul and mind come together again. It's that sort of place.

For some reason, this year, probably because it was the beginning of Advent on Sunday, the first weekend back was complete overload! Friday night saw our annual Pantodine in church, this year Augadoon, (rather than Brigadoon), and we all had a part to play. Thankfully my role didn't require me to learn the words, and I read from my script perfectly! It was a great night as ever, with ham acting, a beautiful meal, and a bishop rolling in the aisles with laughter. The RW played the Good Fairy perfectly, but there was a cast of star performances.

Saturday saw us engage with serious stuff, sitting down and working out our plans for our Mission Action Plan, as required by the Diocese. Anne Tomlinson was wonderful, as always, affirming the things we are doing well, and pointing us in the sort of direction we could be growing into in the next year. It was a good session, and it gives us lots to work on, and maybe we made a good start with an incredibly emotional Healing Service on Sunday evening. Almost 40 folk attended, most of whom weren't regulars, and the feedback has been very positive.

So, Advent Sunday, the start of a New Year for the Church was maybe the beginning of something which we will be building on, and looking ahead to a special service on Wednesday, when we'll be hosting a Service of Remembrance in St Aug's for those who have died as a result of addiction. More tears are expected, but we hope and pray that they will be tears of healing.

Gambia 2011

It's been an unusual November, most of it spent in the sunshine and 30-40 degrees, and then back to monsoons in Dumbarton! The Gambia still holds that little bit of magic which means I always have a wee tear in my eye as the plane takes off from Banjul back to Manchester, but this year we found the school in terrific shape under our newish Teacher-in-Charge, Sulayman Saidy. Sulayman is a star and he certainly motivates both staff and pupils, and gets the best from both.

As always there was a great big list of needs and wants, and the Charity was in a position to give the needs rather than the wants! The children were in excellent form and their oral English has come on leaps and bounds. They couldn't all get in the picture, but we tried! One class at a time!

Raising money to keep this going, providing free food, medicine and free education for 90 kids requires a lot of effort, and anyone who wants to help with £5 a month is very welcome to join us. For those who do already, a couple of quid more every month would be like manna from heaven.

More of my time, this year, was holiday rather than work, since the school is obviously in good hands. Our Administrator, Helen Touray, does a wonderful job, and we are really grateful for her presence and expertise. 

The RW took some time off to indulge in her pet hate of snakes, yet managed to find a wonderful pal to ease her feelings of discomfort. This guy will only attack if he thinks he can eat you whole, so the RW was quite safe!

It was a great opportunity to spend some time in St Andrew's Lamin, who link with St Auggie's, and to show the weather, and the newly painted Church Hall, I add this pic!

This is opposed to what we came home to in Dumbarton....

For two days, Archie hasn't needed the River Clyde to swim in!

However, it's home to reality and a backlog of work that is frightening the pants off me! Will I make it to Christmas? Only if you postpone it to January!

The Week of the Dead

After All Saints and All Souls, and printing sheets off for next Sunday when we have Remembrance Sunday, it seems to feel like a fair old week for the dead, and I'm feeling half dead myself. It's been a busy week, getting everything prepared for my 19 days in The Gambia.

Preparing to take time off from the parish is a fairly arduous task, if you are obsessed, as I am, that things will run perfectly when you are not here! Of course everything is going to be just fine, but I check and double check, and drive folk crazy as I repeat instruction after instruction, fifteen times over. "And remember to.... "

Personal preparation is much less intense. I tend to be a pack-ten-minutes-before-we-leave sort of guy, which drives the RW a little crazy too. I have little room for clothes anyway, as the case is half full of pencils, pens, erasers, dictionaries etc etc, and some football tops for the boys in the village. Two personal requests this time too....  a box of Basilica incense and haggis! Whether the haggis is allowed through customs or not will be interesting, as we don't have a pet passport for the wee thing.

So, having been run off my wee feet for the last week, I'm looking forward to seeing the kids at our school, and haggling wage rises, terms and conditions with the teaching staff. This usually takes about five days!

At least our kids in The Gambia are creative. Hallowe'en in the Rectory didn't happen! Nobody came to the door, and the RW was tempted to eat all the goodies herself. This is different, it seems, in douce Helensburgh, where my friend Big Rab had a procession of guysers at the door telling jokes. They are articulate in Helensburgh.

"What's invisible and smells of carrots? - A rabbit's fart!"

"What do you call a Spanish footballer with no legs? - Grassy ass!"

"What does the devil keep between his legs? - Great balls of fire!"

The average age of the comedians was about eight.

Finance Explained

Here's how it works....

Ear Wax

The RW disappeared tonight for an hour, off to a "Beauty Therapies" joint in Dumbarton that was having an Open Evening with canapes and coffee. Just the job to combat the Weightwatcher's meals. She came home with some delightful stories of the therapies being offered and the cost of each. (A small mortgage is needed for a pedicure, for example, and that's without the fish eating your toes.)

No the latest line, seemingly,  is to put candles in your ears and light them. Honest. You couldn't make this up. They are called Hopi candles, I'm told, and very therapeutic they are too, although walking about with a couple of lit candles in your lugs has me thinking about prehistoric daleks at best, and the need for men in white coats at worst.

Ever one to take advantage of a new phenomenon, we'll be branching out in St Aug's, (with hopey candles), in the near future and candles will be supplied for lugs to women at a far cheaper price than the ones advertised here. Unfortunately we don't do Lavender candles yet, but there should be a Basilica Brand out soon. Dumbarton may never be the same! Watch this space!

Exhausted!

St Auggie's had one of its special days yesterday, when we try to cram everything in at once and all end up exhausted. It wasn't until the end of the day that I realised that the "parish photographer" was on holiday, and we have very few pics to show off to everyone.

Two baptisms, one adult, at the main service, certainly brought in the crowds, and there's something good about having to bring in more chairs before the service starts. Then the dreaded AGM which went smoothly, but always has me on edge, followed by preparations for our Big Event at night.

Friends of St Augustine's continue to amaze me by thinking up unthinkable events, and pulling off unforgettable evenings. Last night it was "Sing for your Fish Supper", and we even had a chip van in the car park taking orders for over 90 people desperate to clog up their arteries. This led to the church building where we were joined by around 30 other folk for the singing.

About six months ago, one of my little flock was putting on a "wee" show in the Denny Theatre for church funds, and was looking for unlikely folk who would dress up as nuns for a sort of Sister Act slot! It wasn't a case of "Can you sing?". Much more a "Do you want to sing?" So began the "Allsorts Choir". I call them the Dolly Mixtures!

It has grown and grown, and features members from children to old-timers from ten different churches in Dumbarton. You don't have to be a great singer, although so many of them are. You simply need to want to sing. Some of the choir, based at St Auggie's, have Alzheimers, but they remember every word and every step, and sing like linties! They feel great about being part of something again, get up in the morning with a song in their heart, and go to sleep feeling they have achieved something great. Their families are amazed and grateful for the transformation. And the "nuns" look fantastic! I'm hoping to get some footage on You Tube soon.

The Allsorts now have bookings well into 2012, and they have become local legends. I'm not joking when I say that when they become millionaires they must keep in mind their roots and where they came from. The AGM showed that we need the dough!

Another wee reflection on yesterday, though. I celebrated the Eucharist at Drumchapel, too, at 9.30am. There were about 9 of us, but the love, joy and warmth of that service was just as heartwarming as the shenanigans in Dumbarton at 11am with 120. It was a joy to be with them in their ramshackle scout hut, a place that emanates love and care. Our wee Pisckie Church certainly has diversity, and that's got to be celebrated and supported.

Grandmother Supreme

Finally, today, the pic that some have been waiting for. The RW with her granddaughter Isla...

!!!!!!!!!

Woe is me again. As a repeated offender of the overuse of the exclamation mark, I am suitably put in my place by the Benevolent Dictator for Life I am indeed chastened. I just can't help it! It's a dreadful habit I have, almost akin to addiction to that lovely exclamation mark. I use it perpetually, even when I know I shouldn't, and even as I type this, my fingers are twitching to shove it on to the end of every sentence....... !  Argh! Couldn't help myself! It even sits at the end of every sentence in every sermon I've ever preached.


After today, things are going to be different, because I'm embarking on a Twelve Step Programme to cure my addiction. Others can join me.



1. We admitted we were powerless over exclamation marks—that our lives had become
unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to
sanity and stop us being obsessed by a line with a dot at the bottom.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives and our grammatical errors over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and our overuse of exclamation marks.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature
of our wrongs and promised that full stops will do us from now on.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character especially as far as exclamation marks are concerned at least.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings, including our use of these dreadful things
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed by using exclamation marks, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, especially the Benevolent Dictator, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we misused exclamation mark, promptly
admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God, as we understood Him, praying only for strength to use more periods
and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to
carry this message to other exclamation mark users, and to practice these principles in all our
affairs.

Anniversary Waltz!

It seems quite incredible, but it's 10 years today that I was Instituted as Numpty-in-Charge of St Augustine's Dumbarton. On reflection, much has happened during that time, some good things, some hard things, some not so good, but such is ministry.

The church building has been restored to its original beauty, we've built a new Community Hall, worship has become a little bit more informal, and music has improved greatly thanks to a music group who can play just about anything!

We have lost many faithful members, but numbers still hold up, we are no longer augmented by the Diocese, and there have been so many happy occasions, from baptisms to weddings and other celebrations.

Friends of St Augustine's was reborn and is now responsible, not just as being a tremendous vehicle for mission and raising about £8000 every year, but as the instigator of many many unforgettable parties, productions, dinners and all the rest!

I've been blessed for ten years! However, could they continue to keep me in check for another ten?

Swanning around the Clyde

Today's walk was wonderful! There was little point in checking high tide times, because the park was already soaking and sodden, and the rain would have washed the mud from Archie's coat anyway.

However, we did meet the most beautiful cygnet on the River Clyde. So proud and just gorgeous paddling about in the rain. Very alone! Where were dad, mum, brothers and sisters? Not in sight anyway.

Of course, Archie had to spoil it all by heading into the water, but my feathered friend soon saw him on his way with incredible hisses and flapping of wings.

I had no idea my Golden Retriever could be so hastily subdued! He was out of the water like a shot!

Maybe I need to grow a set of wings?