It's not easy to write about how I feel at the moment, except from the bottom of a deep well of guilt and depression. Dad is really turning the emotional screw just now, and emptying out his flat this weekend is not something which helps at all. The guilt is irrational, but dad knows all the right buttons to press and my every fault and failing is being highlighted, ending up with, "And what terrible thing have I ever done to you that you have ended up putting me in a home which resembles One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest?" My sister G is getting the same garbage.
My brain is hurting, my stomach churning over the thought of what the next crisis will be, or what the next visit will bring. I have lots of odds and sausages which need to be taken to him today, and it's with fear and trepidation that I anticipate the visit.
Psychiatric assessment, and perhaps some different medication is a possibility, but I don't know when that's going to happen. A case conference sometime next week will take place, but again, I don't know when.
It just can't go on like this. I know many folk who have parents who accept they can't manage on their own, and settle in to a care home, often with a bit of difficulty, but eventually with acceptance. The last two weeks have been totally OTT.
I'm just praying for the strength and sanity to see this through for now.