It's not easy to write about how I feel at the moment, except from the bottom of a deep well of guilt and depression. Dad is really turning the emotional screw just now, and emptying out his flat this weekend is not something which helps at all. The guilt is irrational, but dad knows all the right buttons to press and my every fault and failing is being highlighted, ending up with, "And what terrible thing have I ever done to you that you have ended up putting me in a home which resembles One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest?" My sister G is getting the same garbage.
My brain is hurting, my stomach churning over the thought of what the next crisis will be, or what the next visit will bring. I have lots of odds and sausages which need to be taken to him today, and it's with fear and trepidation that I anticipate the visit.
Psychiatric assessment, and perhaps some different medication is a possibility, but I don't know when that's going to happen. A case conference sometime next week will take place, but again, I don't know when.
It just can't go on like this. I know many folk who have parents who accept they can't manage on their own, and settle in to a care home, often with a bit of difficulty, but eventually with acceptance. The last two weeks have been totally OTT.
I'm just praying for the strength and sanity to see this through for now.
4 comments:
Fr. Kenny,
My wife and I went through the exact same thing with our mothers. We can imagine the guilt because it has and continues to come forth. The adjustment time is hard on everyone, but know that you are trying your best to do the right thing for your father and that is pleasing to God. I know that doesn't get rid of the emotions, but hopefully it can help. God bless you and I will pray for you at Mass this evening.
David
I'm sure you know this, but may have forgotten it in the midst of all you're facing, but part of this "guilt" you feel is all part of the grief process as you say goodbye to the parent you knew and see this other person take their place.
Not easy, and no answers coming from here. I found that a good rant at God worked wonders.
Father Kenny,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time with your father. I went through a similar time with my father. It was really trying. In the end my father realized why I had to place in a personal care home. That helped but it took a long time to get to that point.
You are in my prayers.
I agree with the rant at God. Your father may adjust in time, but in any case you had no good alternatives. For which I am profoundly sad. It is terribly hard. Read Ps. 88. Prayers rising.
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